Blik on the News
by Amalockh
Summary: This is A Oneshot Or, The Lame Family Guy Parody of Catscratch. Bored out of their Minds, Blik Decides to be an Anchorman but right around the same as an unfortunate bystander gets roped into matters beyond his control.


Today's Fan Fiction is solely based on an Episode of Family that I saw, so enjoy! Enough has been said.

* * *

Story: **Blik on the news**

"Guys! Check this out!" he put his arm under his armpits and began making a "quacking" sound with them. Gordon thought it was funny, but unfortunately not only did Mr. Blik _not_ find it amusing but involuntarily slapped his brother in the face and screamed, "Enough already! We didn't come down here for that!"

The fact that his brother was angry didn't phase Waffle as much one bit but he felt he should just apologize all the same.

"Okay, okay, sorry. Sorry! Right… sorry!"

"Ugh."

The morning rolled on into the afternoon and the sky showed signs of rain in the works, thus the three cats found themselves at the unmerciful hand of fate's grip: they were bored out of their tiny minds. And the boredom was _unrelenting_.

So the question for the day was not "what they could do today" but "What they could do to fully eliminate the Boredom"; easier said than done because at the moment, they've done just about everything that a _trio_ of Rich cats could possibly do with piles of money. And that was just for starters.

The Basement was home to tons of interesting and unexpected objects stored away by old Missus Cramdilly; In past cases, the inventory included an Airplane, A wall of Medieval Weaponry, Ninja costumes, Christmas decorations that rarely ever see the light of day, Priceless Antique Paintings, Indoor plumbing pipes, 300 piles of Grade-A manure for gardening, Medical tools, 7 safes with 7 lucky phrases on each containing piles of more money in emergencies, Several family albums dating back to the 1800's, More Ninja weaponry, and a sealed off box marked by Mr. Blik with the primitive wording of, "Don't Open… Ever!" as it contained all of "Love Jackal's" old Music record discs in one set. (All three, even Hovis realized that they was absolutely no need to relive that "fiasco" again, and certainly not in _this_ lifetime) Indeed, as Mr. Blik thought, the only thing that basement was missing was the kitchen sink. Oh. Scratch that thought. Mr. Blik thought he just saw one.

"Okay! Span out and search for something that won't leave us bored-"

"Found it!" Waffle interrupted Mr. Blik mid-command.

"Oh! Interesting! What did you find Laddie?" Gordon asked him as he eyed the box excitedly.

Waffle didn't' waste any time in opening the box and then seeing how his face lit up like girls when they're given jewelry, Mr. Blik and Gordon suddenly hopped over and gazed deep inside.

"Weird," was all Mr. Blik had to say.

"I don't believe it," Gordon said.

"It's… It's…" Waffle was ready to explode.

All three shouted simultaneously with different emotions, "Missiles!!!" It was a bunch of missles like they exclaimed, deadly, accurate and green.

And thus Blik's anger was tampered with.

"What!? That's all we find in a _dump_ like this?"

"Hey! This is not a dump, Mr. Blik!" Waffle whined, absently throwing into his mouth a piece of grime and spider droppings that tasted pretty good in his mouth despite it irregular favor.

"Ew." Blik was grossed out enough by the clutter of junk, thank you very much. Then watching Waffle chew up that stuff in his mouth made him say incredulously to Gordon, "You know what really grinds my Gears Gordon, Watching Waffle eat all that Garbage like that! How can he _possibly_ chew stuff up like that? Like what, is his stomach a garbage disposal or something? I mean, he could probably eat his way through a Giant Peach or something and in Theory Hollow it out! I mean, come on!"

"Yeeeeeaaaaaahh," Gordon drew out in a long sigh. "That doesn't sound like _news_ to me; Or at all actually, Mr. Blik. That's kind of harsh don't you think-?"

"WAIT A MINUTE!!! I know what I'M going to do!!! I'm going down the Television Station to become the New Anchor Man! Watch me now!" Blik screamed.

"But we're watching right this minute! Stop trying to trick us! Tricker!" Waffle screamed at him. Blik just slapped him in the head as he walked out from the basement.

"Waffle, have you any idea what's going to happen?" Gordon asked him.

"If by that you mean, Blik will no cause us trouble and misfortune, words of whose meanings I don't' know anything about, except that they are synonymous with words like problem, difficulty, Dilemma, predicament, quandary, setback, hitch-"

"Never mind," Gordon interrupted him putting a paw on his forehead.

* * *

"Well then, looks like the Laundry is finished, all I have to do is-Ooof!" 

His retort on status of his chore work was soundly broken off by the unwelcome rough shove of carburetor straight in his back and then the familiar English accented cries of "Hallo! Ha ya Doing, Mate!? Ha! Ha! Still living here? You need to see more of the night life!!"

"Get off me already! God!" cried the unfortunate James Hovis, who was suffering the crushing weight of the unwelcome guest. Typical. Now another long list of chores issued by Mr. Blik is suddenly and swiftly put on hold because of some fat bloated, childish idiot, or in this case, Groink.

"Oh, blithering hell, what the devil are you doing here? Haven't we already come to the assumption that we're past "Love Jackal's" reunion!" he cried angrily as Groink politely got off him and he stood up brushing himself off of all the dreadful sweat sticking to his uniform. Where had the bloated fool been? What's more, hopefully Groink remembered the beating laid on his behind recently.

"Oh I know, but Jimminy if ain't a lively sport eh Govnor? Thought I'd take for the whim of corner of a table and twice the size of a two pence crackerjack for the great seat of the big ol' sphere eh? Its' all water under the bridge now, thunderpants!"

Your everyday American would just blanch and then fall to saying, "What?" but alas, Hovis had the luck of being born in England and interpreted his burly former comrade in arms' proposal as, "Take a Break and have a drink with me and then be somebody". That was the general gist of it. But Hovis wouldn't be roped in that easily.

"Do you honestly believe that I would acquiesce to such an outrageous, boisterous, foolhardy application-" but his denial was flatly shoved back into his face as the heavy Groink scooped him up despite his aged body and headed for the outdated, reeking deathtrap of a van driven by the skinny Manfred who mumbled something intelligible about going to a bar.

* * *

"And Now we're at Channel 5 Action News here in California!" said the Newsman. "But first, a word from our New Anchor Man, Mr. Blik, with "You know What Really Grinds my Gears!" 

"Hello!" the familiar Black cat said with his tail sticking up and his smile as wide as a plasma-screen T.V. Mr. Blik was really enjoying his new job. "And now, "You know what really grinds my gears?" Men and Women in co-ed showerrooms; That's absolutely unnatural! Cause you know what? I'll tell you what! Men think that they can sexually take advantage of Women, and their coin purses! Seriously! Their coin purses! They make them pay from their own pocket… with 40 dollars just to make them shower with other men! That's cheap, that's unnatural, and You know what else? IT'S GROSSING ME OUT AND IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! YOU'RE NOT CONTRIBUTING THE ECONOMY AND THE SOCIAL WELL-BEING OF WOMEN WHO ARE SHY AROUND MEN! AND WHAT? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO DELIBERATELY TURN YOU ON!? GET A LIFE YOU ASSES!!! Ahem. And you know what else really grinds my gears? When you can't find EVERYTHING you're looking for in a store! The other day, I was looking for a case of Root Beer and then… poof I couldn't find it! It was supposed to be a stupid soda store, and they don't even sell Root Beer? What the hell! I mean, come on! come on! False Advertising will get you nowhere you stupid sellers! IN fact, I'll sing a song about it! La, La, La! Root Beer down My throat! Root Beer down my throat! When it's a really hot day, I want Root Bear down my throat! I'm meeting you halfway, you STUPID hippies! Over to you Jeff! Good day!"

* * *

"Oh my God," Gordon couldn't believe it. How could they let someone like Blik on the news! He was… He was… downright impressive! "I just don't believe it! Can you believe it Waffle?" 

They were sitting on the couch at home and nobody seemed to notice when the raggedly, ramshackle van suddenly zoomed past with a cloud of smoke busting out of the house and towards the city lights. Surprisingly Waffle just focused on the T.V., drooled on it, carefully examined it and Gordon grew impatient. Waffle turned to him and frantically said, "Nope! I can't believe it! All those flashing lights! And you want to know something else!? The Camera really does add Ten pounds! Mr. Blik is a fatty!"

* * *

"Hey isn't this fun eh Governor!?" Groink was partying his butt off and the aged, near to dead as flakes Manfred was living it up roughhousing and drinking 3 cups a minute trying to get girls to sit in his lap and party down with his bad self. Needless to say he was turned down on every chance and Loud music continued to boom while bras were flying just about Everywhere. 

Hovis wasn't enjoying himself, because since when did being bound and gagged and forced to drink down 2 drinks by his "former friends" and the chance the Mr. Blik might be back home and would fire him as he came in became an enjoyable treat? It was a contradiction on his whole code of conduct. And he tried to complain, that Alcohol was already doing damage on his brain and who could possibly enjoy that but the gluttonous, American lazy sluggards who made that awful brewery? He felt faint.

Right now, of course he couldn't bring himself to complain. He was too far in now to back out. He had no say in the fates. He was drunk. Then came the unbearable humiliation.

* * *

Evening came and nobody in the house had seen hide no hair of Mr. Blik, thus they had dinner to themselves, and that continued till Gordon and Waffle turned on the T.V. 

"Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!" Gordon said desperately with a bowl of popcorn.

"I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying!" Waffle said just as fast.

"We now go live to footage from the Slimy Pub!"

Gordon and Waffle's eyes grew wide as they saw the most unusual footage from the pub. 3 men were doing some kind of dance… in women's panties. One of them happened to an all too recognizable face, singing, "Grabba Dabba Blik! Grabba Dabba Blik! Honey Funny Money! I'm the Grubber Miser! Got A Problem you duffers! This next one goes out to Blik! I love his ass! He's a pushy, stupid, icky, foolish, (BURP!!) bossy ass! You know why!? Cause I'm the Grubber Miser, Abominable Bitches!!" the man wearing woman's panties hollered for more Pennies and then fell down on his back with a faint showing yellow teeth.

Both Gordon and Waffle sat in mute shock with open mouths, except for Waffle

Then the video ended there and zoomed out back to the news station.

"Well then," the news man said unsuccessfully trying to stifle the bursts of laughter, "To continue this is why that Police have gone done there to permanently close the pub and arrest all proprietors of said establishment. We now go to terrible Cramdilly's heir and stupid guardian named Blik with "What Really Grinds my Gears." Over to you Blik."

"Thanks Jeff," Blik replied, trying to maintain a calmed face after witnessing the very disturbing video he saw and pretended that it wasn't Hovis who he saw up there. And he believed his lie. "Well then, "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" Nineteenth Century people. Why Don't they get with freaking program!? It called an _Automobile_!! It's _much_ faster than a car-!"

Mr. Blik's rant was interrupted by one of the executives who handed him a note that read, "You're fired. You're inexcusably irresponsible."

"Well then," Mr. Blik said after reading the note and several more executives came up to take him away but he struggled as he tried to say in front of the camera, "It seems I have been fired. Well since I no longer work here anymore I can say, "You know what _really_ grinds my Gears?" YOU America[Beep) YOU!!!"

Then the transmission was cut off and switched to a Comcast commercial.

Waffle turned off the T.V. and stared at Gordon whose face fell in disgust and complete horror. Then he said, "Boy that was more freaky than the rumor about why a chap named Tom Cruise runs in all of his movies!"

* * *

(Flashback to a camera set) 

(Toms' thought Cloud): Wow that cameraman has really strong arms.

(The real tom Cruise begins to run) "You can't catch me, Gay thoughts!" (Cloud chases after him)

* * *

"Did… that just happen a second ago?" Waffle inquired. 

"What?"

BOOM!!

The Wall was automatically reduced to rubble with the unfortunate familiar van backing in, scaring the bejeebers out of the 2 cats. Then a booming voice said, "Jolly Good Smashing time we had Eh? Blooming panties are ours for the taking!! You Can keep her! See ya Around Grubber Miser!" Then the van drove off leaving a nearly naked but not dead dropping down on the floor like wet rag. Closer inspection revealed that it was none other than Hovis in his sleeveless shirt and shorts. Gordon didn't bother having to help him up. He stood up. And he was wearing his band cowboy boots. He slouched over and then upon seeing Gordon and Waffle give him confused angry looks, stammered uncontrollably and tried to explain his self.

"No! Wait! Listen, I don't know exactly how they roped me in but I was an innocent "suck up" in the whole atrocity! They roped me out of my chores and-"

"Calm down already Hovis!" Gordon cut in. "We're not going to tell, but chances are that Blik already knows and-"

"Why do you have a pair of panties in your hand!?" Waffle pointed out extravagantly. To his embarrassment, the 43-year old wearing only his own undergarments was still holding on to a pair of panties he accidentally stole from all the chaos. He blanched dropped them, and gawked unbelievingly, while both Gordon and Waffle were failing to hold back their laughter uncontrollably at his reaction.

"It's not what it looks like! I was trying to laundry, and that is the truth. I would never sully my hands with a feminine persuasion's undergarments!"

"Suuuuuurreee," Waffle scoffed at him mockingly. "It's just like you said, Grubber Miser!" Then they both burst out laughing. Gordon in his laughter just cried, "H-Hey! _Grubber_ Miser! You totaled Bliks' news report!!"

"Well you can be certain of this, Gordon. I'll never allow those buffoons Manfred and Groink in this house _ever again_."

"And you've become… BECOME…" Gordon trailed off and then realized something unexpected.

"Oh god."

Waffle stopped laughing and then went "What? What's wrong, Gordon!"

"Mr. Blik!"

All three fell dead silent and then they heard the door opening and a grudgy Mr. Blik came in, entered the living room that was totaled due to Groinks' last visit. He took in everything. Waffle on the floor picking his nose, Gordon staring back at him like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and naturally the gigantic hole behind Hovis in his undergarments looking extremely wasted with bags in his eyes and limply hanging on to the rose-colored panties and Blik gawked. He turned away for a second to compose himself and then turned the others again with a not so curious look in his eye. He surprised them all by saying,

"I'M AM ABSOLUTELY… well I'm hungry. We got anything to eat? I'm [BEEPing starving! You guys won't believe it, but man, has _my_ day been a TOTAL bitch! Damn News people! Who wants a drink? It's on Me!"

**The End**

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Well if there's a hell, I'm going there for sure. I suck at comedy so go ahead, sue me till I'm dead. But anyways, I hope this was funny, and It's supposed to be like that Family guy Episode where Brian and Stewie get drunk, you know, "Stewie B. Good?" That's pretty much about it. 

So till then, Enjoy this funny fic, godspeed, and see ya till the next fanfic! Laterz!


End file.
